I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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