god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
