Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize