She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
