Soap is not a condiment
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
