I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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