too bad you live with your parents still
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
