I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
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