I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
