He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
