like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
