Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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