there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
