my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
