masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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