Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
