I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
