I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
