i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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