dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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