now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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