textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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