think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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