what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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