I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize