my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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