I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
