I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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