yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Randomize
