the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
