Umm I'm too high to move.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
