woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I love you.
Bad choice
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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