How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
