I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
