no, he came in my armpit
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
