I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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