one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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