got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
