Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
My pussy is not your playground.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
