Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
