Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
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