I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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