I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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