I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
