I need to stop coming to work sober
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Randomize
