I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
