I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
