I met the friendliest cop last night
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
