I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
