Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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