Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
