she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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