I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
