meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
