If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
