i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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