I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize