sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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