I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize