Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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